Fucking machines. The term can throw people off but if you hang around dungeons long enough, you will see them. The most common on that you might see is the Sybian. The purpose is penetration, thrusting, and orgasm. Usually, it can be hard to get all of these sensations in one toy, but fucking machines solve this problem – for a price. A steep one. Sybians can start at $1200 (I’ve never tried one, so I cannot tell you if the price tag is warranted or not). But I was offered to try out a fucking machine by Tabu Toys
Behold, the LoveBotz Jaxxx Hammer.
I was so excited to try this out, my hopes high that it would it compare to others I have tried. Reader, it did not. It was so, so bad. Why you ask? Let me tell you….
The machine itself
When the package arrived and I unboxed it, disappointment set in almost immediately. The plastic casing felt cheap, but more concerning was the sticky feeling of the dildo at the end. There are bad dildos out there, and cheap, sticky dildos are bad for your genitals. I am not saying this is a ‘cheap’ dildo, only that its stickiness is reminiscent of it. There was also the matter of the open area between the dildo and the casing. This is concerning for obvious reasons – fluids. Sex, even with a machine, involves lube, bodily fluids, and lubricated condoms. A space like this makes the machine susceptible to some unhygienic practices. In dungeon settings, or even in the home, a machine could be used by more than one person. Except if you have an opening like this. This rules out other people enjoying the machine. The last insult to the unboxing was the lack of directions in the box.
Regardless, a real fucking machine! It couldn’t be that bad. I went off to charge it up and see what it would do.
You can see from the control panel that once you turn it on you have some choices. You can customize the thrusting depth, vibration, and speed. It wasn’t until I turned it on that my disappointment was complete.
The toy is loud – like each thrust is done by a team of hamsters who make high pitched sounds every time they crank the thrust. Maybe you don’t need that visual. Fair enough. But trust me it’s loud in a weird way. True, loudness is not a indicator of effectiveness but the motion is, and the motion is anemic.
I know that thrusting is a hard motion to get right in toys that offer them, and my advice is not to try if you can’t do it well. Jaxxx Hammer did not take my advice (they didn’t even ask! I know…shocking) and it shows.
Well, at least the vibration is good enough, right? It is not. Unless you’ve never used a vibration toy before then it will be fine. But if you have even a mediocre vibrator, then this will not be sufficient.
The Jaxxx Hammer even comes with a suction cup that allows the toy to mounted to a floor if you so choose. Along with the cordless design, there are some designs aspects I like. But the final word on a toy is – does it get you off?
Well, did it?
No. Not even close. It was boring and pointless and not at all exciting. For the price tag, I could have bought, a harness, a dildo, and vibrator and dinner and had a better night.
We brought the toy to a dungeon and MrBlk and I scened with it. When I finally said, “Stop” even he could tell it was not doing….well, anything for me.
Here are some disclaimers – I am a bit of a size queen, the dildo was far too small for my likes. I use a lot of high-quality vibrators/ dildos and can be a snob about sensation. But that’s why I review things, so you can get good toys. Have good times and good scenes.
This toy will provide none of those things.
Readers, I love each and everyone of you, and I cannot recommend this toy to you. Not for the expense, not even if it was a quarter of that. What I can recommend is that if you are in the market for a fucking machine, you research what you want and how you want to use it before laying out money.
I like to end posts on a happy thought, so here’s one for this post – we are researching a post on making your own fucking machine.
Keep talking the taboos!
P.S. Tabu Toys doesn’t sell this toy anymore.